Men, when finding themselves adrift on the Sea of Gifts for Women (which, by the way, laps at the shore of the Island of Female Pleasure), may, with understandable desperation, lunge for the first piece of driftwood they see, namely something that they (the men) would like to see them (the women) in/on/at.
This strategy will result in a less than satisfactory outcome, however, as the strategy itself is flawed.
Because a gift, you see, is for the person receiving it, not the person giving it.
I believe that men, generally, receive gifts that they desire because they articulate the desire for those gifts (as in “Oh wow, think how great that 52-inch flat plasma tv would look in the living room!”). I do get concerned at all those battery-operated revolving tie-racks that pile up on the circular tables in the middle of the men’s department during certain times of the year; really, has anyone even hinted they want that?
However, as this column is not about YOU (man), it’s about ME (woman), I don’t at this moment give a fig if you do get that environmentally-friendly, foot-operated golf ball polisher.
Men get the gifts they want because they ask for them. Uhhmm, wait a sec, they don’t ask, they don’t even tell. Women just notice what men don’t have/are pining away for, and get it for them.
Women don’t get the gifts they want because they don’t ask for them AND men don’t notice what women don’t have, and therefore don’t go out and get it.
As far as I can tell, women mystify men in general (quick, how many men can describe what Vagisil is for?), so if you are a man and are stupefied regarding an upcoming gift requirement for a woman, may I help you out and suggest a facial at a day spa/salon/beauty parlor?
Now before you go running out to buy the gift certificate (although I’m onto you, pal, you are going to buy it on the internet and have them mail it to you), let me tell you why a facial and most women love to get them, and why they will love that you got it for them.
They might even cry when you give it to them.
And not in a bad way.
The facial lady, aka the esthetician (not a word on the SAT, as far as I can remember), does this and that that the other thing to the face, neck, and shoulders, all in the name of beautiful skin. That is not why woman love facials.
There are lotions and potions and unguents (maybe a word on the MCAT) applied and tissued off. Still not why women go for this. There are machines that go “bzzzz” and “shhhhh” and “rrrrrr” (I don’t know about the machine that goes “BING!”). Again, these are not the reasons.
There are two reasons why women love facials, and why you should give them as gifts, as long as the accompanying card does not read “You look like you could use this”:
- The first is that all facials are performed in individual rooms, one client to a room. One esthetician to a facial, one facial to a room, one room to a client. The esthetician and you, and either a loop of “The Best of Enya” (please God will you stop playing her?) or Yanni (or maybe Kenny G) or music classical or new age (personally, I like the whale song recordings). That’s it. The focus of the room is you. Everything that happens, happens to you, for you. You, you, you. You see? Men, you’re already used to this. Women, this is (somewhat) new, and really, really nice. There are no interruptions, no phone calls, no husbands, no boyfriends, no television, no kids (I have a friend who tells me she loves to go on business trips because it’s the only time she can shave her legs without her kids slamming open the bathroom door and asking “Can I have some chocolate milk?”). When you get a facial, it’s about YOU.
- The other reason women love facials is the manual dexterity of the esthetician. In other words, the massage. Good skin requires good blood flow, so every facial will include a gorgeous face, neck, and shoulder massage. Nice smelling oil, gentle fingertips, slight pressure (note to estheticians: please don’t press on my eyeballs). The touching, the stroking, the smoothing away of tension and nervousness, is the biggest reason woman jump at the gift of a facial. Have you ever noticed how wonderful a woman looks, any woman, after she comes back from a facial? It’s because she’s relaxed, and the blood is flowing, uh, good. It’s not the creams, or the steam, or the pore manipulation (never mind about that). It’s the touching.
It’s the touching. Hmm, it’s the touching. And the pampering. Hmm, the touching and the pampering. Hmm…
You know, a nice smelling candle, a body oil from the pharmacy, a quiet room with nice music playing softly in the background with just two people in it, and you could achieve the same glow from her. You don’t have to restrict the touching to the face. She’s got an esthetician for that.
She’s got you for other things…